Welcome to the St. Regis Spa for Stressed Out AIG Executives.

Situated high on a bluff overlooking the majestic Pacific Ocean, stands a landmark resort of legendary proportions. Located midway between Los Angeles and San Diego, the Tuscan-inspired St. Regis Resort, Monarch Beach is devoted to the pursuit of service and elegance with a seamless blend of comfort and technology.

This then is the so-called resort where a valiant team of our nation’s finest business visionaries — the brave men and women of AIG — went to fight the good fight. For days, they raged against stress and burn-out. They rose up against carpal tunnel. They strenuously resisted not only seriously clogged pores but also jet lag and beard irritation.

Less than one week after the stress-inducing bailout perpetrated by our anti-Pilates government, these courageous executives had the sheer moxie to jump on a jet and face the cold, unforgiving waters of the Pacific, armed only with 9 irons.

Read on for the excruciating tale of what they endured during that fateful $443,344 business trip. While some of the details may be gutwrenching, (send the children to play Spore) know this: ultimately, when the Chardonnay Sugar Scrubs and the deep hydrating masks were but a painful memory, triumph (and tighter pores) was theirs.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

Filled with natural light and adorned with water fountains, Spa Gaucin is located in the center of the resort and caters to couples. In addition to 18 treatment rooms, it has five couple’s suites and a variety of couple’s packages. Continuing the resort’s Tuscan theme, the Wine Escape package includes a wine bath, and the Mediterranean Meltaway includes an espresso bath; both are complemented by glasses of wine and a cheese plate. Other packages offer private yoga instruction and guided meditation.

While each detail has not yet been revealed, we do know that some of the potential ‘treatments’ may have included:

Mediterranean Massage Light to medium pressure strokes are executed with a hydrating Chardonnay grape seed massage oil. This signature service concludes with an aromatic fig and cassis body butter applied after a warm, tension releasing back compress.

60 min – $175
90 min – $260

Just For Men The Just for Men Facial is specifically designed to address the unique concerns of men, targeting irritation caused by shaving, as well as congestion. This treatment begins with a deep cleansing, gentle exfoliation and extractions. Skin will then be revitalized with a customized treatment mask followed by a relaxing shoulder massage. The result is clearer, balanced and hydrated skin.

60 min – $175
90 min – $260

Tomato Basil Nourishing Wrap Nourish tired skin with this active ingredient wrap. Packed full of antioxidants and moisture imbedding properties, your body will devour the extracts of orange fruit, olive leaf, rosemary leaf, and lavender flowers.

60 min – $175
75 min – $215

Mediterranean Harmony Two therapists perform a choreographed massage in harmony. The service is complete with our signature warm back compress and fig and cassis body butter back massage. The result of this four-handed massage is total mind/body relaxation.

60 min – $350

Intuitive Massage A customized massage experience that begins with a consultation with your therapist to determine your body and energy needs. The massage technique and desired outcome are developed by you and your therapist creating a symbiotic experience for both.

Dermal Quench This is the ultimate hydration treatment! Oxygen, vitamins, and hyaluronic serum combine under hyperbaric pressure to deliver unparalleled hydration and age-defying results. This delightfully relaxing and nurturing treatment results in instantly healthier, younger, and plumper skin. An ideal treatment right before a special event, while recovering from jet lag, or for an amazing glow.

60 min – $225
90 min – $335

At the end of AIG’s brave journey back to wellbeing (if not wealth) we are left with these poignant words from the ‘Spa’ itself:

We invite you to begin your celebration of life, love, and wellness with the tradition of our coin toss into the Spa Gaucin Well of Desires.

“Every moment of life is worth a celebration.”

(Especially on someone else’s nickel)

Guru’s Note: AIG received an $85 billion taxpayer bailout from the federal government on September 16. Less than a week after being rescued, AIG executives blew through almost $500,000 of taxpayer bailout funds at a week-long retreat at the St. Regis Monarch Beach Resort in Orange County, California.

Here’s how they spent our money:
$147,302 for banquets
$139,375 on rooms
$23,380 for spa services
$6,939 for golf
$5,016 at the Stonehill Tavern
$3,065 for in-room dining and the lobby lounge
$2,949 for gratuities
$1,901 at the Monarch Bayclub
and $1,488 at the resort’s Vogue Salon

Source: OC Watchdog